Wind blows.
Well, obviously it does but it also blows in the same sense a Wolverine fan might say “Ohio State blows.” Either way it’s just factual.
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First, wind ruins everything. Take, for instance, a leisurely jaunt down the street. Sun is out. The temperature should be a pleasant if not cool 57 degrees but tolerable. But oh no, my friend—wind has other plans. Here comes a gale force blast that stands you up in place, ruins your hair, chills you to the bone, and makes your eyes water.
All of that just happened to me and I am not happy. I look like Doc in Back to the Future. Plus the snot machine hasn’t shut down yet.
I will not golf in wind. Personal vendetta of mine against nature. Who needs that madness in their life? Rain? I’ll play. A light snow or flurries. Yep. Darkness? When we get down the fairway we’ll find it. Wind? I’d rather clean out the junk drawer in the kitchen. Clip my toenails. Give the dog a bath. Anything.
More seriously what is a tornado but concentrated wind? What is a hurricane for that matter? Think of all the deadly destruction wind has brought through the centuries. How bout the Santa Anna winds that can whip a discarded cigarette or smoldering camp fire into an inferno that consumes everything in its path.
Manufactured wind gets a pass. You know why? Because you’re the one controlling it. Your hair dryer? Leaf blower? Ceiling fan? All manufactured wind and all under your god-like whims. YOU are the summoner of a natural force. Not some stupid cold front running into warm air and having an invisible tantrum that we all have to endure like a crying baby on a flight from Detroit to L.A.
Real wind is only good for exactly three things: generating electricity, sail boating, and flying a kite. That’s it. Maybe helping clothes dry on a line. But no more. Ok fine—helping flags wave on a flagpole in center field. But now that’s really it. Five things—only one of which is really useful to most of us.
Otherwise wind, as I imagine Ricky Gervais possibly saying, can just p*ss right off.
Watch Jason Carr Live, weekdays from 8 a.m. to 9:45 a.m., streaming live on Local 4+ and ClickOnDetroit.