The best and worst Halloween candies to receive while trick-or-treating, I think.
Let’s start with the best…
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5. Kit Kat. You know the drill. “Gimme a break…gimme a break… break me off a piece of that KIT KAT bar.” Except no I ain’t breaking you off a piece of nothing. Cause Imma bout to eat this whole Kit Kat myself. With no help from you. Go get your own.
4. Full-size Snickers. Am I right? You know what I’m talking about. That one house in the subdivision where the normal rules of Halloween ceased to exist when their kid went off to college like nine years ago and now they fill the giant chasm in the center of their empty-nester hearts by handing out candy like they just struck oil in the backyard. Full-size Snickers? YESSSSS!!!!! Score!
3. Twix. Whether it’s the right one or the left one they are equally scrumptious. Love me some Twix. I would eat Twix everyday if it didn’t matter how many pounds I put on.
2. Peanut M&M’s. I mean really is there any other choice? I suppose you could make a case for Reese’s pieces but you gotta go with the OG on this one. You know those larger family size bags of Peanut M&M’s? I could take down one of those with a Dr. Pepper while watching a movie. That mouth feeling of the external crunch followed by the crunch of the internal peanut. C’mon. You know it’s true.
And at #1, it has to be Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. The late comedian Mitch Hedberg had a bit about why it’s Reese’s peanut butter cups and NOT Reesy cups. His logic was simple: there is a man named Reese and these are his cups. Hence the apostrophe and S on the end. Anyway, these are pure perfection and I don’t remember any kid trying to trade them away for something else. Ever.
And the worst…
5. Nickels. Literal spare change. It’s not even the best coin we have. At least dimes are shiny and are worth twice as much. What coldness has enveloped your soul that you would give a child who’s hoping for candy…a literal nickel?
4. Wax lips. Huh? If someone gave me wax lips I would make a mental note to never return to that house.
3. Any sort of fruit, but most especially an apple. I was a child of the Seventies. You’re not gonna get me with your hidden razor blades.
2. Milk Duds/Tootsie Rolls. I’m sort of cheating by combining these two in one ranking but they are both garbage dumpster hot messes that have no business even being manufactured let alone showing up in my Halloween candy pillow case.
And coming in at #1 as the all-time worst Halloween treat: popcorn balls in plastic baggies. Nope. All kinds of nope. How did the popcorn end up in a ball? How did said ball end up in that bag? Did you wash your hands or is there Marlboro Reds residue on that popcorn ball? Did you drop one while making these and you invoked the Five Second Rule? You get that ball away from me, Orville.
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