I have been married since 2020 and I love my in-laws. It’s always great spending time with them. They’re wonderful people. But anytime I’m fortunate to be in their presence, there’s one thing that I try to avoid.
Sometimes it doesn’t cause much thought. Other times it takes great skill. I’m not sure if they even notice what I’m dodging.
I just can’t bring myself to address them by their names. Let me be more specific, their first names. That’s how they prefer to be addressed.
I know many of you are reading this like, ‘what’s the big deal?’ and I agree. I have many friends who call their in-laws by their first names. But anytime I hear them do so, I’m so impressed that they say their first names without any hesitation.
Well, here’s why it causes me some angst. I grew up calling elders by Mr. or Mrs. And my parents always called their in-laws Mr. and Mrs. My parents have never indicated to my wife what they want to be called. I made the call for them, which is Mr. and Mrs. Jones. I was taught it’s a sign of respect.
But I also know it’s a sign of respect to address people how they prefer. So I wouldn’t dare use Dr. and Mrs. with my in-laws. Instead, I just don’t call them anything. When I’m around them I just try to make eye contact to let them know I’m talking to them.
We recently did a family vacation together. While we were enjoying breakfast, I let my guard down. And then it happened. I realized that my father-in-law, who was leaving early for a business trip, had left his cell phone behind at our table. He was headed back to the room to grab his belongings and then off to the airport.
I volunteered to try to find him. But once I backed away from the table, I realized my conundrum. If I saw him walking with his back turned away from me, I was going to have to use his first name. I couldn’t say ‘hey you.’ That’s extremely rude. Plus in a public place, ‘you’ could be anyone.
I also considered racing past him with the hopes of him saying: “Will, where are you going?” And then I wouldn’t have to use his name. That wouldn’t be unusual because my vision isn’t the best without glasses or contacts.
Each step I took I said his first name in my head, preparing for the worst-case scenario.
Fortunately, I found my father-in-law in our suite and I got by with just saying “you forgot your phone.” He thanked me and I went back to breakfast with my wife and mother-in-law feeling relieved.
I know the day will come when I can no longer avoid using their first names. But for now, I’m just not ready.