DETROIT – I think we need to have a conversation about Thanksgiving.
I hadn’t been in the newsroom more than 10 minutes this morning when someone threw out the dreaded question. You know the one. We hear it every year.
“Pumpkin or sweet potato pie?”
*Sigh.* I knew exactly what was coming, but it was too late. Someone ALWAYS says it, and sure enough, there it was:
“Neither!”
“Both are trash!”
Derick, no. Stop. Do not get involved. You need to be productive toda--
“And turkey sucks, too!”
Say WHAT? Oh it is on.
Yes, it was very early in the morning to get worked up, and the smirk on Ken’s face told me everyone knew they had baited me into a rant. But that only made it worse.
Why 👏 do 👏 people 👏 always 👏 complain 👏 about 👏 Thanksgiving 👏 food?
Thanksgiving is supposed to be about the opposite of complaining. It’s about appreciating the things we do have.
Sharing bad opinions about Thanksgiving food is one of the human race’s strangest traditions, and that’s saying something, considering we came up with things like mascots (adults dancing around in costumes at sporting events) and Groundhog Day (asking a rodent how much longer we have to be cold).
C’mon, guys. As an adult, Thanksgiving is the greatest. You don’t have to come up with a present for your 14-year-old cousin you haven’t seen in years. You don’t have to find a new corner of your basement to pile all the odd gifts you received. And you certainly don’t have to think of a clever costume to wear to your friend’s Wednesday night Halloween party, which you can’t enjoy because you have work in the morning.
Unless you’re the cook (hat tip to all you heroes out there), Thanksgiving is delightfully low maintenance. You eat. You watch football. And then you go to sleep.
It literally does not get any better than that.
Why do we go out of our way to complain about turkey when it is objectively delicious? And even if you disagree, it’s not a strong enough taste to inspire such passionate loathing. I understand if you hate, I don’t know, horseradish. But saying you hate turkey is like saying you hate vanilla ice cream or days that are 68 degrees and partly sunny.
If you really don’t want turkey, there’s this amazing Thanksgiving loophole that allows you to eat something else instead. Then, you can spend dinner talking about how thankful you are for that delectable dish and keep your turkey opinion to yourself. We don’t spend Christmas subjecting everyone to our complaints about fruitcake!
And anyone who says, “There’s a reason we only eat turkey once per year!” should be forced to sit with the uncles who like to swap stories about health scares and debate whether athletes are overpaid.
Is the Super Bowl overrated because it’s only played once per year? No. We have turkey once because it’s a lot of work and makes a huge quantity, not because it’s bad.
Another argument against turkey goes something like this: “Well, if it was so good, you wouldn’t have to lather it in gravy.”
Do you eat burgers without cheese? Dry chicken wings? Cupcakes without frosting? Spaghetti without sauce? If so, I hope you detest turkey, because (with all due respect) I want to disagree with you on every food take possible.
The other great thing about Thanksgiving food is that it lasts for an entire week. You can have leftover turkey (or ham) sandwiches for days with rotating sides -- stuffing one day, green bean casserole the next, and then maybe some pie for dessert.
Everyone has their own Thanksgiving traditions, whether it’s a tweak to the typical food menu, a specific tailgating spot, or showing thanks in some other way. How many times do you see athletes or celebrities handing out turkeys and serving food in a kitchen?
Personally, I love all the holidays. Do them all big, I say. Hand out candy on Halloween, bake cookies for Christmas, play with fire on the Fourth of July. There aren’t that many truly special days in the year, so enjoy them to the fullest.
OK, deep breath. It felt good to get that off my chest.
Now...
I’m thankful my parents made turkey every year while I grew up. I’m thankful the Detroit Lions are expected to beat the stuffing out of Green Bay this week. I’m thankful for all of you who read this rant, which is based entirely on fact and objective in every way. (And even more thankful for those of you who will realize it’s just for fun and resist that hate-mail urge.)
When you wake up Thursday, remember to watch the parade, cheer for the Lions, and thank your cook. But most importantly, try not to complain about all the things that make this holiday so amazing (like turkey 😉).
Happy Thanksgiving!
